Don’t Judge Me! She Screeched, Predictably: When to Use Anti-Pickup Lines in Online Dating

A quick “welcome” to all the Redditors reading this entry… enjoy.

There are specific instances in which anti-pickup lines are useful in online dating (see the previous entry for examples of this type of “line” or comment).

When to Use Anti-Pickup Lines

Taylor Swift, musician. Not a feminist. Really.

Taylor Swift, musician. Not a feminist. Really.

Anti-pickup lines are not necessarily anti-seductive. Specifically, they are useful when:

she is so egotistical that she might see you as more of a “challenge” if you insult her than if you treat her nicely. Paradoxically, most Nice Girls are this way to some extent, because their behavior encourages men to mirror them by supplicating for their approval, which is instantly boring and typical. (Hint: don’t chase Nice Girls unless you enjoy passively egotistical behavior, or are willing to dominate her completely, at all times);

you’ve said something that unintentionally rubbed her the wrong way — for example, if you start the conversation by using an anti-pickup line and are insultingly playful rather than curiously playful;

she’s in a bad mood that has nothing to do with you (she’s still sore over having been dumped by a guy or girl; was groped while using mass transit earlier in the day; endured sexist remarks at work from her male superiors; just watched her favorite female film/television character endure intolerable fictional abuse from a cruel male character; has spent too much time cruising the groupthink cesspool that is jezebel.com, etc.) and wants to take it out on the next person she can find who owns the proper chromosomes;

she may be in “woman warrior” mode and strives to bravely defend all women against the scourge that is all things male; or

she’s an egotistical jerk and/or a sexual bully who uses her looks to excuse, rationalize and justify otherwise indefensible behavior.

Don’t Judge Me! She Screamed.

…somewhat hysterically.

Many women feel automatically threatened or “judged” by a dating profile that contains a specific description of who you’re looking for. For some women, any sign of specificity indicates that you are selective and are not going to automatically approve of her because she has the requisite biological and/or gendered “woman” parts. This frightens women who have low self-esteem, a distorted yet fragile self-image, or a false front of high self-confidence that masks a weak sense of identity.

The “fake feminist” flag often is raised to full mast when they see a man who knows what he wants, in order to try to shame him into obedience as she has been trained to do by popular culture, her peers and other women in her life. Those near-omnipresent influences tell her that Nice Guys are harmless, inoffensive, afraid of conflict and “safe”, hence she should want a Nice Guy (even though she doesn’t and never will, unless she wants a boyfriend or husband who will mindlessly “provide” for her, and who she can easily cheat on).

She may also be a Nice Girl who is ashamed of her own judgmental tendencies, and therefore hides them from herself and others. Such a person rushes to persecute (i.e. judge) anyone who threatens her illusion of moral purity by holding up anything resembling a mirror to her own behavior.

She will retaliate against your imaginary “judgment” of her by using one of the following tactics:

— she’ll cast doubt on the idea that the woman who you’re looking for would want you (thereby attempting to force you to abandon the idea of having strong preferences in relation to women, which opens the door for you to become a supplicating “gentleman” who will do anything the woman commands you to do in exchange for her approval)

— she’ll gaze into her magical crystal ball and see your future (which is actually the future that she fears most) as a forever-alone, involuntarily celibate “loser” who will never find love again for the rest of your (her) life.

Specific Instances of When to Use Anti-Pickup Lines

In the context of DSR (dating, sex and relationships), the “wisdom of the crowd”, also known as “social pressure”, is little more than a group of individuals who are mostly relying on each other’s approval for its legitimacy.

Being rude to other people is generally considered socially taboo. Rudeness and bullying become acceptable when one side can exert social pressure on the other side without fear of credible reprisal. Note that women most often do this using shame tactics, even when there is no one else present to “shame” you (aside from your own social programming). Once you realize that, such tactics become an opportunity for humour rather than anger, self-hatred or fear.

She may say things like:

– truculent trash-talk about how you’re a miserable excuse for a human being (yes, she might take it that far);
– comments about how “ugly” you are, even if other women regularly tell you the opposite, or you simply don’t care about her arbitrary standards for male beauty (the gendered parallel to this would be for a man to comment about how “old” she looks, regardless of her actual age);
– childish and obvious “small penis” insults, which, hopefully over the Internet between strangers, have no basis in actual or pornographic reality (the parallel here would be for a man to talk about how small her breasts are, although obsessive insecurity about breast size seems to be a distinctly American female peculiarity);
– attempts at branding you as a “sociopath” or “psychopath” in order to force you to act in ways that prove your “innocence” to her (i.e. apologizing for being a man and/or groveling for her approval).

Comments such as these are perfect opportunities for anti-pickup lines in response.

Once you can step back and realize that she is a random person who doesn’t know you at all, you can actually consider any grains of truth that may be wrapped in the rudeness. She may have a valid point about something that triggered her overblown reaction, even if she lacks the tools to express it or the restraint to use those tools in a non-insulting way.

If you frequently find yourself in situations where “anti-pickup lines” (i.e. “negative compliments”, sarcastic retorts, cynical “wittiness”, snarky put-downs, etc.) are becoming too much of a typical occurrence in your conversational repertoire, it may be time to re-assess your own communication style. Many women in online dating swear by their “bluntness”, “lack of a filter”, “honesty — to a fault”, and so on. It just may be what’s keeping them single. Don’t make that same mistake.

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One thought on “Don’t Judge Me! She Screeched, Predictably: When to Use Anti-Pickup Lines in Online Dating

  1. Comments about this piece are archived here (click here). Note that the comments originally took place on a public forum — not private messages or a personal blog/journal like this one — so they are reproduced along with my responses (although the commenter also remains unnamed).

    Reply

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